[car horns honking]
[cable car bell ringing]
Mouse! Are you home?
Mouse!
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh.
Aww.
Mwah!
Oh!
Oh, it's magnificent!
- Did you make this yourself? - Open it.
See? You're supposed to fill in the resolutions yourself.
Oh. I'm that screwed up, huh?
You bet. I don't waste my time with well- adjusted people.
Wanna see my list?
Uh... Aren't you confusing this with New Year's Eve?
Nah, that's nickel- dime stuff.
Smoking, eating, drinking resolutions.
These are the...
you know, the hardcore...
Some Enchanted Evening resolutions.
- You ready? - Mm!
- "Michael Tolliver's Dirty 30 for '77." - [laughs]
"One, I will not call anyone Nelly or Butch, unless that is his name."
[laughs]
"Two, I will not assume that women who like me are fag hags."
Mm.
"Three, I will not measure it, no matter who asks. Four..."
[Mary Ann laughing]
- No, no! - [clapping]
[sighs]
"Eleven.
I will meet someone nice,
away from a bar,
or the baths,
or the roller skating rink.
Twelve.
But I won't say "I love you" before he does.
Thirteen.
- The hell I won't." - [laughs]
Aww.
[blows]
"Seventeen." [sighs]
"I will not cry when Mary Tyler Moore goes off the air."
Oh.
[Mary Ann laughing]
How come you get 30 resolutions? I only get ten.
Things aren't so tough for you.
Is that true?
Mr Gay Chauvinist Pig.
- Hm. - Well, just try this for starters.
Ahem.
One.
- I will find Mr Right this year. - [chuckles]
Two.
He will not be married.
Three.
He will not be gay.
Four.
He will not be a child pornographer.
I see. Movin' back to Cleveland, huh?
[laughter]
[telephone rings]
- Hello. - Hello, Mona. This is your mother.
[sighs] Hello, Betty.
Is this your permanent number again?
Yeah.
[sighs]
I-- I called the place in Pacific Heights and D'orothea said you'd moved back. I--
I can't believe you'd leave that...
charming home in a nice neighborhood for that shabby--
Oh, you've never even seen it.
I have! You sent me a picture last summer.
Does that...
woman still run it?
If you mean Mrs. Madrigal, yes.
[scoffs] She gives me the absolute creeps.
Remind me not to send you any more pictures, will you?
[sighs]
What was wrong with D'orothea's place, anyway?
I couldn't handle the rent.
Oh, well, if that's the problem, I can tide you over.
Just until you're able to find a job.
Hah. We-- Thank you, but no.
She's lured you in there, Mona.
- Who? - Th-- That...
woman.
Mrs. Madrigal offered me an apartment
when we became good friends, and that was almost three years ago.
Why are you suddenly so goddamn concerned about my welfare?
Because I didn't know what she looked like until you sent her picture.
She's so... extreme.
Ugh.
- [dialing tone] - Mona?
Uh--
[sighs]
- [sighs] - [knocks]
Mrs. Madrigal, are you there?
Mrs. Madrigal!
[Mary Ann laughing]
Stay put, I've got a Valentine for you.
"Dear Mary Ann,
by now, you must need a little fun.
The enclosed is for you and a friend.
Head for someplace sunny.
Always, EH."
I don't get it.
What was enclosed?
Five thousand dollars, Mouse!
My boss, Edgar Halcyon, left it to me in his will.
So...
I bought two tickets on a carnival cruise to Mexico.
- You wanna go with me? - Goddamn!
- Will you? - Will I? You bet! When? How long?
In one week.
[screams] That's great!
- [laughing] - We'll have to share a cabin, though.
Oh, that's okay, we'll seduce people in shifts.
Or find a nice bisexual.
- Mary Ann, I'm shocked! - Ooh! Good.
[chuckling]
We'll get brown as a goddamn berry!
- And find you a lover. - And one for you.
Oh, no.
One miracle at a time, please.
Look, Mouse.
If I think you're attractive,
there must be plenty of men in this town that feel the same way.
Yeah... [sighs]
- Size queens. - You know...
Sometimes, you're sensitive about the dumbest things.
You must be five- nine.
- [sighs] - That's gotta be tall enough for anybody.
[chuckles]
[humming]
Late meeting or something?
Can't I fix breakfast for my husband?
You can, but you don't.
I worry too much, Beauchamp.
And today,
I looked around me and I heard the cable cars clanging and...
Well, I just thought we're a lot luckier than most people.
Beauchamp?
- This thing hasn't been cleaned. - Look at me.
Yes, my sweet?
Will you at least tell me that you're happy?
- About what? - About this, damn it.
- Well? - I'm delirious.
Ugh.
DeDe, there's a grave responsibility attached to parenthood.
I accept the responsibility of raising one child,
although with great reluctance.
Forgive me if I'm not exactly jumping with joy at the prospect of twins.
Beauchamp, I don't need your goddamn thesis on parenthood.
I need your support.
- I can't do this alone. I just can't. - You sure as hell didn't do that alone.
No, but I sure as hell didn't do it with you.
That wasn't bad.
For you.
It's true, Beauchamp.
You're not their father.
God damn it. Can't you even add?
I wanted to tell you a long time ago.
I really did. I-- I even...
- Who is it? - I don't think we should.
Splinter Riley, maybe, or the...
charming but terminally greasy Jorge Montoya Corona?
You don't know him.
How interesting.
Do you?
- And also, D'orothea Wilson called. - [sighs]
Don't suppose she bothered to tell you why she canceled the last three photo shoots?
She said she doesn't look right anymore.
What does that mean?
Maybe she gained weight over the holidays. I... I don't know.
Or maybe she doesn't give a good goddamn about Halcyon Communications.
Maybe she wants to go to Mexico too.
Beauchamp, It was Mr. Halcyon who said I should go.
I don't need to hear this again!
[door closes]
I'm really sorry to bug you, but we're leaving for Mexico tomorrow.
There's a suitcase I just can't reach.
Are you all settled in upstairs?
Gettin' there.
Oh. Okay.
Thanks.
I can take it from here.
Can you?
Yes, Brian.
[chuckles]
[suitcase clasps unfasten]
♪ Outside, the rain begins ♪
♪ And it may never end ♪
♪ So cry no more ♪
♪ On the shore, a dream ♪
♪ Will take us out to sea ♪
♪ Forever more ♪
♪ Close your eyes, ami ♪
♪ And you can be with me ♪
♪ 'Neath the waves ♪
♪ Through the caves of hours ♪
♪ Long forgotten now ♪
♪ We're all alone ♪
♪ Close the window ♪
♪ Calm the light ♪
♪ And it will be all right ♪
♪ No need to bother now ♪
♪ Let it out ♪
♪ Let it all begin ♪
♪ Learn how to pretend ♪
You know what? This trip is gonna work for me.
I'm gonna meet somebody, I know it.
- Not that you aren't the best company. - You don't have to explain that one.
Anyway, I've got this dynamite plan.
I spot a guy, right? Loungin' out by the ship's pool, maybe,
or whatever, and I saunter up kind of casual- like, with you on my arm,
- all tanned and gorgeous... - Mm!
And then I say, in my very butchest voice,
"Hi, guy.
I'm Michael Tolliver and this is Mary Ann Singleton.
- Which one of us would you like?" - [chuckles]
What if he doesn't want either one of you?
Then we'd push him off the first available cliff in Acapulco.
[Mona laughs]
All right?
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Enjoy.
Tickets here!
I wish you'd lay off the cliff jokes.
Why? It wasn't your fault.
I know, it's just... Thinking about it gives me the creeps.
[scoffs] It'll get better, babycakes.
[man] That's lovely.
Thank you.
How about a souvenir?
Good. Smile, young lovers!
- You folks married? - Uh- huh.
Ah, great, that's great. Now, one close- up.
Come on, big smile!
Ha- ha. Ha- ha.
How am I supposed to get laid if I'm your husband?
Mouse! Would you try to be just a little respectable while on board?
- What, for 11 whole days? - It's a family ship.
Ah, yes, but with Italian stewards.
- Straight Italian stewards. - Oh, you wish.
Come on.
I wanna unpack.
[ship's horn blares]
[Mona] 'Dear Mrs. Madrigal,
I'll be gone for a while, so please don't worry.
I'm not mad at you or anybody.
My life is down to the seeds and stems and I just can't cope anymore.
[sighs] The answer must be somewhere else.
I hope it is, anyway.
I'm running out of places to look.
Love, Mona."
♪ All right! ♪
[bell ringing]
♪ I couldn't stop movin' When at first you called ♪
♪ So I walked straight down To the old town hall ♪
♪ With a group called the Jokers They were layin' it down ♪
♪ I know they're never gonna lose That funky sound ♪
- ♪ Rock and roll, Hoochie Koo - ♪ Rock and roll, Hoochie Koo ♪
♪ Lawdy, mama, light my fuse ♪
♪ Light my fuse ♪
- ♪ Rock and roll, Hoochie Koo ♪ - [radio chatter]
♪ Rock and roll, Hoochie Koo ♪
♪ Truck on out and spread the news ♪
♪ Well, the streets start buzzing Round this time of year ♪
[cable car bell ringing]
♪ I'm goin' round back... ♪
Hi, I'm Connie.
Would you like to take a free personality test?
What for?
To see if I have one?
Ah, come on now, that's just your reactive mind talking.
L. Ron Hubbard tells us that everybody--
Hey, don't I know you?
- I seriously doubt it. - Yes, you were at that party
on Christmas Eve on Barbary Lane.
You're Mary Ann Singleton's friend.
Am I?
Of course you are, silly.
Yeah. Silly me.
Well, have a fantabulous day.
[Mary Ann giggling]
Oh!
To Mr. Halcyon.
God bless him.
And...
to adventure on the high seas.
- And romance. - [giggles]
- [sighs] - And to Mrs. Madrigal.
And marijuana.
Yay!
But most of all...
to that well bred, debonair, but incredibly hunky number
who gave the eye to one of us when we came on board.
Who?
How do I know who? I just got here, woman.
- Where? - You saw him, didn't you?
- I don't think so. - He never stopped starin' at us.
How come I always miss these things?
Sheesh.
[Mona] "Dear Mrs. Madrigal,
I'll be gone for a while, so...
please don't worry.
I'm not mad at you..."
[man on PA] Would passengers proceed immediately to Red Line door three?
Help you?
Uh...
Coach 75 to Nashville...
I'd like a one- way ticket to...
Repeat, coach 75 to Nashville has been rescheduled
and will now be departing at 11:55 p.m.
Uh, Reno. [sighs]
Thank you.
[man on radio] Pick up 1431 Grant.
1410, pick up 234 Irving Street.
2240, pick up 1505 Castro.
Well, then at least let me shop for the babies.
There's a precious place called Baby Piero in Ghirardelli Square.
We don't know their sexes yet.
- Then yellow would be adorable. - [sighs]
Well, what's wrong with yellow?
You love yellow.
Oh, DeDe, darling, what is the matter?
[sighs] Nothing!
Why can't I dote a little?
Because you're using it, Mother.
You're using it as an excuse to...
I don't know, to keep from living your life again.
I'm only half a person, DeDe.
[scoffs] Daddy's gone. You've gotta get it together.
I need to feel needed, darling. Nobody needs me now.
The Legion of Honor needs you.
- The de Young needs you. - Oh, so that's the story, is it?
When you're young, it's your family that needs you.
When you're old, it's museums.
Look, If you're determined to wallow in your own self- pity,
there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Well, what in God's name do you expect me to do about it?
I expect you to be good to yourself, live it up a little,
join a backgammon club, enroll in Janet Sassoon's exercise class.
Get Kevin Matthews to take you to the symphony.
His boyfriend's on Hydra until the end of June.
I know, but I--
Ugh! All right, then, Mother.
- Oh! - A good look at yourself, Mother.
You look terrible.
- See a specialist, get a few tucks. - Tucks?
Why not, for God's sakes? You've got the money.
The face, the boobies, the fanny. The full catastrophe.
[laughs]
DeDe!
[man on PA] Security, please report to the information booth.
Security, please report to the information booth.
[clattering]
- [footsteps echoing] - [keys jangling]
[wheels squeaking]
[sighs]
[woman] Where you headed, darling?
- Reno. - That's the stop before me.
You takin' the midnight bus? Hm?
Huh?
Aww.
How about sittin' with me, then?
I get real nervous on the bus.
What with the perverts and all. Hm?
I don't think I'd be much of a...
Well, I-- I won't bother you none. [scoffs]
I won't say nothin'.
Unless you want me to.
- It's a deal. - Oh.
[chuckles] What's your name, dolly?
Mo--
Mo what?
Mo nothin'.
It's Judy.
Mine is Mother Mucca.
[chuckles] It's... kind of a nickname.
I'm from Winnemucca, see.
Oh, It's a long, long story.
And I don't--
Say, dolly, are you okay?
[sighs heavily]
Look kinda fucked up.
What?
I said...
you look kind of fucked up.
Your eyes are all...
You ain't been smokin' no reefers, have you, dolly?
- Huh? - Sort of.
Meanin'?
You ever hear of angel dust?
Oh, shit!
[scoffs]
That stuff is for puttin' elephants to sleep.
If you don't know better than to fuck yourself up
with an animal tranquilizer, you ain't got no business ridin'--
- I'm not gonna just sit here-- - The fuck you don't.
[footsteps]
[soft squeaking]
Welcome to Manderley.
I'm Mrs. Danvers. I'm sure you'll be very happy here.
[chuckles]
Feeling gothic tonight?
Aren't you? This place is a tomb.
What with Mary Ann and Michael off to Mexico
and Mona gone who knows where,
and you out there terrorizing
half the female population of San Francisco.
- I was working. - Hmm.
- [chuckles] It is work, isn't it? - At the restaurant.
Well, now you're home, would you care to...
smoke a quick joint with an old lady?
Sure, I'll bring the joint if you bring the old lady.
Hm!
Some people drink to forget.
Personally, I smoke to remember.
- Like what? - Oh...
train rides... [sighs]
The taste of fountain cokes when I was a child.
Old lovers.
- There were a few of them, huh? - [chuckles]
A few.
No, not really.
Mm...
Just one.
That I was sure of.
How about you?
Who was it you were so sure of?
Who said I was?
I met her in law school.
We had a place together.
Cat, dog. [chuckles]
Furniture.
How long?
Seven years.
And 11 days.
I don't want to be that sure again.
It's part of the deal, you know?
- What? - [chuckles]
[sighs] Losing people.
Wanting them back.
[sighs]
It's the price you pay for being alive.
[laughs]
And guess what?
Age doesn't fix a thing.
Oh, great!
Fuckin' great.
Now, you think it will when you're young. You think...
there will be some quiet, safe place just down the road.
[sighs]
But it doesn't get any easier, just, uh...
more familiar.
So, when the, uh... pain comes around again...
all you can do is... [sighs]
you know, look at it straight in the eye and say,
"I recognize you,
you old bastard."
Was this recent?
[sighing] Hmm.
Fairly.
His name was Edgar.
He was lovely.
[sighs]
I didn't get to have him that long.
What a pisser.
Yes.
It was.
It was a pisser.
[cable car bell rings]
Hey, buddy.
[driver] Thirty minutes for breakfast, folks.
[people sighing]
[man] Sorry.
It's okay, dolly. Mother Mucca is here,
lookin' out for you.
Look, lady, I...
Mucca is the name.
Okay.
I appreciate your help, but I--
The angel dust'll fuck you up every time.
Well, you should have heard yourself talkin' in your sleep.
- What did I say? - Hey!
Somethin' like, uh...
"Where'd the mouse go?"
Oh, it was goddamn spooky, dolly.
And then you started hollerin' for your daddy.
Hm.
You got a daddy?
Mind your manners.
Excuse me.
My daddy ran away when I was two, and he can stay away.
Where the hell are we?
Jerky, California. Come on.
I'll buy you breakfast.
Morning.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Hubby stood you up, huh? - Oh, well.
He always takes longer than I do.
- Men are much fussier than girls. - I'll say.
Apologies. Apologies.
No sweat.
Better keep an eye on the little lady, though.
She's too pretty to let out without a leash.
- [laughs loudly] - Oh!
Ah, Mike knows that. Don't you, Mike?
Can't let her out of my sight for a minute. [chuckles]
You don't ever say that about me.
These kids are younger than we are, Melba.
- Oh... - Mike?
Yep.
How long you been in tools?
No, no, your T- shirt. Is that your line of business?
Oh. Yeah.
Uh... I've been into tools... Oh, I don't know...
four, five years.
- [man] It's a good line of work. - Oh, yeah. I'm a big tool man.
- [chuckles] - Why don't we go get some food, hm?
Little woman doesn't like it when I talk tools at the table.
Oh, me too. Arnold talks about aluminum honeycombing
until he's blue in the face, and it is so boring.
Well, it may be boring to you, Melba.
But to some people who choose to make a living from it, it's not boring.
Mike, you don't think tools are boring, do you?
Hell, no.
[chuckles]
[man] Yo, Selma, order up.
[woman] Okay.
I had a girl named Judy once.
What?
You said your name was Judy, didn't you?
- Huh? - Ah.
Aah, Judy was a peach.
I-- I guess she stayed with me longer than any of them.
[Mona] Mm.
Yes, sir.
She was a peach.
You had a lot of children?
Children?
You said...
Oh.
[laughing]
You're a lot dumber than you look, dolly. [chuckles]
I-- I'm talkin' about my whorehouse in Winnamucca.
- You? - Yes!
- How long have you... - Oh, Lord!
Too fuckin' long!
[both laughing]
What brought you to San Francisco?
Oh, a... Hookers Union meetin'.
- [chuckles] - Mm.
What about you, dolly?
You never told me why you's...
heading to Reno with a headful of angel dust.
I don't know. To get away for a while.
I've never seen the desert.
- Desert, huh? - Mm.
Well, I got plenty of that in Winnemucca.
You interested, dolly?
Oh! It's a big place, and...
I need help with the phones.
It's, uh...
real clean, and purdy too, I...
I think you'd be kind of surprised.
- I'm sure it's very nice, but-- - Hell, dolly.
I ain't white- slavin' you or nothing.
Oh.
You'll keep me company, that's all.
You can leave whenever you want.
I-- I just don't think I'm... you know...
Oh, come on.
[man] Pass the butter, will you?
What do you do, anyway? Hm?
For a livin', I mean.
- Well, um... - [man] Bus is leaving in five minutes.
I was an advertising copywriter.
Well, don't be so fuckin' uppity!
[laughs]
Well...
The bus is leaving, Mother Mucca.
[woman] Somebody's askin' for some coffee.
[bus engine starts]
You won't do it, then?
[sighs]
Nope.
Not unless I get my own waterbed.
All right!
Mm- hm!
[wheezes]
♪ Down in Jamaica They got lots of pretty women ♪
[gasps] Mouse?
I do not know this Mouse, señora.
I am but a simple Italian dining room steward
who wants- a to make- a ze whoopie with ze beautiful, horny American girls.
- Mmm! - You smoked that joint, didn't you?
[sighs] I wish you'd learn to fantasize.
[chuckles]
Tie me up, will you?
Bondage, already?
You haven't tried bingo yet,
and there's a swell mambo contest down at the Carousel Lounge.
- Actually, I thought we might enter that. - No, thanks.
Last time we entered a dance contest, my boyfriend dumped me.
That's because you were in your undies, silly,
- and-- - Sh- sh- sh- sh!
What?
[Michael] That's the guy who's tryin' to pick us up.
[Mary Ann] One of us.
[Michael] I sure wouldn't kick him out of bed.
Do you think he's gay?
Well, his backstroke was a little nelly.
No, I'm serious, Mouse.
Then ask him, dummy.
Invite him over for a piña colada.
- You don't think I'll do it, do you? - Mm- mm.
Okay.
Watch me.
Mm!
[man] Look straight out there. I think I saw a place for our wedding!
♪ Got the sun on my shoulders ♪
♪ And my toes in the sand ♪
♪ My woman's left me for some other man ♪
♪ Aw, but I don't care ♪
- ♪ I'll just dream and stay tan ♪ - [sighs]
♪ Toss up my heart
- ♪ And see where it lands ♪ - [chuckles]
Is it cold?
You can take it.
♪ And I smile when I feel like dying ♪
♪ On and... ♪
- [church bell ringing] - [birdsong]
Something to eat, Miss Francis?
No, thank you, Emma.
Emma!
Ma'am?
Do you think I--
Emma!
You aren't sick, are you, Miss Francis?
No.
Mr. Edgar is gone, Miss Francis.
He's passed on to the bosom of Jesus.
And there's not a livin' thing in this whole world can... can bring him back
until the final judgment of the Lord when he delivers his people
- and all of-- - Emma! You are giving me a headache.
- Yes, ma'am. - What I want to know is...
I trust your opinion a great deal.
I think you know that. And...
Emma, do you think I need a face- lift?
You do know what a face- lift is?
Mm- hm.
- Cuttin'. - No!
Well, yes, that's part of it, but...
it's a cosmetic process, a complete one, which...
is really quite common these days.
I mean, lots of ladies...
- White ladies. - Don't be impertinent, Emma.
Miss Francis, the Lord gave you a perfectly fine face.
- [groans] - If the Lord wanted you to look different,
- ...he would've-- - Oh, pooh, Emma!
The Lord doesn't have to go to Opera Guild meetings.
- Ma'am. - I look so old!
And everybody I know looks like Nancy Kissinger.
I'm an old turkey gobbler. Look at that!
Now, Mr. Edgar wouldn't like that kind of talk.
Mr. Edgar...
is dead.
- I'm Burke Andrew. - Michael Tolliver.
Thank you for letting me join you.
I don't exactly relate to most of the people on the ship.
You don't get off on blue rinse?
Blue what?
Hm.
[cheering]
[Burke laughs]
I guess I'm a bit out of it, huh?
[laughs] Oh!
Michael talks in code.
Half the time, I have no idea what he's talking about.
- How long have you known each other? - A year, I guess.
We met at the grocery store. Mary Ann was trying to pick up my boyfriend.
You're, um...
Gay as a goose.
I'm gonna take a hike.
I'll give you two exactly an hour to get it on.
[chuckles]
Can't do anything with him.
[both laugh]
- Apparently. - Oh, no, I didn't mean--
[chuckles]
I didn't mean it like that.
He seems very nice, actually.
He is.
I love him a lot.
But he's not your, um...
- Oh, no. No, no. - No.
Actually, he thinks of himself as my pimp service.
[both laugh]
- Did that sound gross? - Not at all. I, um...
I just, uh...
Uh, well...
I've never met anybody...
like you two before.
Uh... So, wh-- where are you from, Burke?
All over, really.
Hm. Most recently?
San Francisco.
Great! So am I! Where do you live?
I don't. [chuckles]
I mean, I used to live in San Francisco, but I don't anymore.
My parents live in Nantucket. I'm staying with them.
- Oh. Well... when-- when you were there-- - Would you like to swim?
I really think we should use that hour.
That's her.
[car horn plays tune]
- You had her long? - [laughs] Sixty years enough for you?
[chuckles] Mother Mucca is an old motherfucker. Come on.
Hey, Bobby, what the hell kept you?
Welcome back!
Why are you limpin'?
Jeez!
You turn one more trick
- with that crazy ass shitkicker... - Hi!
...I'll boot your ass out of here so fast, you'll wish you'd never been born.
Come here.
This here is Judy.
She's gonna stay and, uh, work the phones for a while.
- Mm? - [laughs]
Give her Tanya's room. Oh, uh, take the swings out first.
Sure.
[chuckles] Sweet little thing, ain't she?
- She seems very nice. - Yeah.
Loco as they come.
Gotta watch her like a mother hen.
Hell, when I found that dolly, she'd sunk plum to the bottom.
- Heavy drugs? - Oh, worse.
Keypunch operator.
[fly buzzing]
Knock, knock!
- Oh, hi. - You all settled in now?
Yeah. Thanks, Bobby.
[clears throat] What's that for?
Oh, this used to be Tanya's room. It's where she hung the swing.
The swing is part of her routine?
[laughs]
Silly, she tinkled on 'em!
While she was swingin', see?
- She was real famous for it. - Hm.
Yeah, I think I saw that on The Gong Show once.
[laughs]
What happened to her?
Oh, she switched to a house in Elko.
Mother Mucca was plenty pissed.
But you'll like Mother Mucca.
She talks real mean, but...
she's not that way at all.
She loves us like daughters.
Guess she's never had any of her own, huh?
- No, but she had a son once. - What happened to him?
Oh, he ran away, they say, a long time ago.
[Mother Mucca] Bobby!
Oh! [laughs]
Bye!
[sighs]
Hm.
[sighs]
[electricity buzzing]
[ship's horn blaring]
Well?
Is he?
How should I know?
There hasn't been a secret queer handshake since 1956.
He is gorgeous, isn't he?
Yeah, like a big ol' collie dog.
I think he likes me, Mouse.
So help me figure out what's wrong with him.
[sighs]
We need to talk.
Beauchamp, I'm tired of talking about it.
I'm having these babies and I can't take this harassment anymore.
I've decided to move to Mother's.
Look, goddamn it, you've got some explaining to do
and you're not running home to Mommy until I get some answers.
This charming anonymous missive came to me at the office.
Will you please tell me what the hell it means?
- That's disgusting. - Answer the question.
Oh, fuck it, Beauchamp!
The babies' father's Chinese.
[Bobby] All right, you lookin'?
All right, go!
All right, one more time.
No, that's not right!
Oh, you silly!
Look over here!
Puppy!
Come on, puppy.
Puppy!
Aww.
No, that's not right.
[sighs]
Why won't... Why won't you play?
[sighs]
And how were you most recently employed, Miss Ramsey?
Most recently? [chuckles]
It's quite an amusing story, uh...
I was traveling through Nevada and I...
[sighs]
I worked the switchboard in a...
I was a receptionist in a whorehouse.
Sounds good.
[telephone rings]
Hello, Blue Moon Lodge.
- [man] Is Monique there? - Monique?
Would you hold the line, please?
[Mother Mucca] Yeah?
Uh, there's a guy askin' for Monique.
No, Monique ain't here.
Left last month. She's a...
directory assistance operator in Reno.
- What do I tell the guy, then? - Oh, tell him...
Doreen can do that bit.
What bit?
Don't be so goddamn nosy.
[sighs]
Hello? Monique isn't here, but Doreen, uh...
can do that thing, too.
- The whole thing? - Oh, sure.
With the rabbit's foot and all?
One moment, please.
Don't you know the first damn--
He's asking about a goddamn rabbit's foot.
Don't you talk nasty to your elders, dolly!
I'll wash your fuckin' mouth out with soap.
So what about the rabbit's foot?
Doreen can do it.
Yeah, she can do the rabbit's foot thing.
All the way?
Satisfaction guaranteed.
The girls in Battle Mountain fake it, you know.
Maybe so,
but this isn't Battle Mountain.
This is the Blue Moon Lodge.
Atta girl, Judy! Ha- ha!
[cackling]
Atta girl.
Okay, so you run home to Mommy? And then what?
What do you think people will say when those babies are born?
- I don't care what they say, I want them. - Oh, you think the father wants them?
What's he gonna do with them? Strap them to his delivery bike?
Leave him out of this.
Oh, heavens, yes, for Christ's sake.
Let's don't offend his delicate Asian sensibilities.
- All he ever did was take an innocent-- - Shut up, Beauchamp!
Why don't you drop the Pearl Buck routine, Miss Tight Ass?
Half your friends have had abortions and you know it.
Not this late.
- It's a simple salt injection, DeDe-- - I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Shit! Do you even give a rat's ass
about the humiliation you're putting me through?
For Christ's sake, DeDe, we're up for the Pacific Union Club this year.
You, Beauchamp. Not me.
It's the same goddamn thing.
Not anymore, it isn't.
[door slams]
Got a minute, dear?
The rent due already?
You haven't seen Mona, have you?
No.
I'm worried.
She left me a note when Mary Ann and Michael left,
saying she'd be gone for a while, but I haven't heard a word.
I thought maybe you... [sighs]
Nothing.
Sorry.
Tell me, Brian.
Has she talked to you about me?
Never. Why?
[sighs]
I'm afraid I've been a little foolish.
I just hope it's not too late.
[sighs]
I-- I don't, um...
[sighs]
Mona is my daughter.
Oh.
Well, she loves you too.
No, Brian.
I mean she's my real daughter.
- She always said that her mother lived-- - I'm not her mother.
I'm her father.
[chuckles]
- Holy shit. - [chuckles]
What you readin'?
Cruise Ships Confidential.
I bought it down at the gift shop. Listen to this.
"There are two categories of aggressive women among cruise passengers.
There are those who aim at the officers
and those who like nothing more than to disappear into crew quarters
and spend the rest of the voyage in a variety of arms."
That's the most sexist thing I've ever heard.
Wait, here comes the good part.
"Occasionally, wealthy and lonely male homosexuals..."
- You are making that up! - Will you listen?
"...will attempt to buy the favor of crew members.
It is an easy task.
A generous tip will carry the request below deck.
Sometime later,
the cabin phone will ring
and a deal will be struck."
Only you would find that.
Okay.
Which one? [chuckles]
Hm?
Stick with the blue.
That orange thing makes you look like Ann- Margret.
Uh... Maybe I wanna look like Ann- Margret.
Look, if you seriously think that nice Nantucket boy
is hot for the kitten with a whip type...
Oh, you're worse than Debbie Nelson.
Thank you! Who's Debbie Nelson?
My freshman roommate.
The blue is very wholesome.
Screw wholesome!
Wash your mouth out, young lady.
[groans]
There.
Look at yourself.
Hm? Isn't that better?
My mother hired you, didn't she?
You're a plant.
A pansy, to be specific. Here, blow.
- What? - Blow in my face.
- No! Oh... - You had two slices of garlic bread.
Mouse, I can take--
Strong men have turned queer over two slices of garlic bread. Blow.
- [huffs] - [sniffs]
Hmm!
- Perfect. - [laughs]
I love you.
Save the schmaltz for lover boy.
What are you doing tonight?
Right now, it's a toss- up between shuffleboard and self- abuse.
There's a Cole Porter revue at the Carousel.
Will you get out of here?
Okay!
Okay.
[water running]
[sighs]
[woman on radio] Oh!
[man] Remember when dumb was beautiful?
Remember?
[woman] That was untrue then, untrue now.
[door opens]
Is it always this slow?
Oh, no!
You should see it during deer season. [giggles]
It's exhaustin'.
Sometimes I do six guys a night.
Really?
I know it's hard to deal with.
Believe me.
Oh, no, it's cool, really.
I'm dealing, really.
I met Mona's mother back when...
they called me Andy.
I was a soldier in Monterey after the war and Betty was at this dance.
She was a feisty little thing.
Still in high school.
I found, to my amazement, that I was attracted.
- I hear you. - Mm.
So we got married,
moved to Minneapolis, where Betty was from.
[sighs]
Had a little girl. Um...
An amazing little girl,
that we named Mona, after my mother.
[sighs]
But nothing could fix the way I felt.
You mean that you wanted to be...
Mm.
So I left her.
I left my wife and...
baby girl and...
never looked back.
And when did you have it done?
A dozen years ago.
In Denmark.
Then I moved back here
and a miracle happened.
I saw something in the paper one day
about a Mona Ramsey working at Halcyon Communications.
- Wow. - Right?
So I arranged to bump into her one night at the Savoy Tivoli and...
[chuckles]
She liked me.
[laughs]
- So you've told her, then. - Oh...
No.
Not that I'm her father.
I'm just the nice transsexual lady
that offered her a place to live.
At least, I used to be.
Now that she's gone off, I'm not sure...
what she knows.
Did you...
always want to be a woman?
Mm. [chuckles]
- Mm- hm. - Why?
I wanted the friendship...
of women, I guess.
And you couldn't have that as a man?
I don't know, dear.
Can you?
Hm?
- [audience laughing] - Cher.
- ♪ All over... ♪ - Cher... Cher, come on.
Knock that off. Watch... watch the action, will you, please? This isn't...
It's an earlier show, it's a GP rating.
- Yeah, good and plenty! Good and plenty! - [laughter and applause]
[Sonny] Take it easy, will you, please?
What if you were sitting out there and watching us, you know, right now? Wh--
Be honest, what would you say?
[Cher] I'd say the same thing everybody else says.
What does she see in that man?
[laughter and applause]
[Sonny] Okay. All right! Whatever!
- Beauchamp. - All right.
Okay, Cher. You asked for it. I came out here nice,
I've been nice, and I've...
Beauchamp, I'm going now.
But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you know
what the people really think of me.
I'm sorry, but that...
I just happen to have a letter here, Cher.
And it's addressed to the world's greatest Italian entertainer.
I find it hard to picture you in bed.
[laughter]
- Why? - I-- I-- I don't mean in bed.
I mean... in bed.
Don't--
[laughs]
Aaah.
[Mona] Yes, sir, that'll be fine.
Yes, she had a checkup last week. She's healthy as an ox.
Well, we look forward to that, sir.
See you later.
Blue Moon Lodge, may I help you?
I'm Judy, I'm working here this week.
Mother Mucca has authorized me to--
Well, I'm afraid she's--
He giving you trouble?
He insists on talking to you.
Uhh... What is?
Oh.
Oh! Why, yes, sir.
Oh... [chuckles]
No, uh, it's a new girl, sir. [chuckles]
Oh, yes,! Yes, sir. She can be...
trusted completely, yeah.
Mm.
Oh, of course. Mm.
[laughs] No! That's not short notice at all.
Mm.
I'll take the usual precautions.
Goodbye, sir.
Mm. Thank you very much.
Charlene!
Get rid of the other johns tonight.
What?
Call 'em up, uh...
reschedule or somethin', but get rid of 'em.
- Was that him? - Who else, Candace?
Flyin' in from Sacramento!
- Which one of us did he, uh... ask for? - Oh, he didn't.
- Huh? - [munching]
Wants a new one.
- My face man? - Mm- hm!
God, honey, for all I know, he's bottling sheep semen in Switzerland.
His last patient was a total washout.
Some poor woman from Santa Barbara
who ended up looking like the Phantom of the Opera.
I see.
Have you thought about the shots?
- Shots? - The sheep semen, honey.
- Deitre! - I couldn't agree with you more.
But Kitty Ciprianni says it made her a new woman.
Hm.
Personally, I think someone's pulling the wool over her eyes.
- [laughs] - [snorts]
How old are you, Frannie?
I'm asking for a reason.
[sighs] I'm 54.
Too bad.
Don't rub it in.
No, honey. I meant it would be better if you were 60.
Why on God's green earth would it be better?
I won't tell you unless you tell me your real age.
Fifty- nine.
Oh, boy!
- What in the world are you-- - Just you wait, Frannie Halcyon.
Just you wait.
Bobby, take the poor old man out of the kitchen
and clean up the crapper in Charlene's room.
Looks like a goddamn truck stop.
- You lock up that mangy mutt. - Okay, okay!
- Marnie, straighten up the parlor. - Come here!
- Get rid of those movie magazines. - That's a good girl.
- Bonnie! - That's it! Come on!
You and Debbie take the Ranchero into town
and pick up that costume at the Chinaman's.
Wouldn't you know it?
Shows up the only goddamn week of the year
we send the costume to the cleaner's.
Pronto!!
[piano music playing]
Michael says this song is this year's What I Did for Love.
You know, like every year there's a song that everybody records?
Two years ago, it was Send in the Clowns.
God, or was that three?
Anyway, last year, it was What I Did for Love,
you know, which I really like, even if they do play it to death.
At least it's the only one on the album you can hum.
I mean, how can you hum Music and the Mirror, huh?
[humming]
You got me there. I don't even know what album you're talking about.
A Chorus Line.
The musical.
It came to San Francisco.
I told you I was out of it.
How long did you live in San Francisco?
Not long.
Actually, I consider Nantucket my home.
You work there?
My father's in publishing. I help him out.
Oh!
What fun! [laughs]
[applause]
♪ But all I could do Was sit there paralyzed ♪
♪ Cosita ♪
♪ Lovely señorita ♪
So, where do you want me to dust?
Why don't you start on that Kennedy statue on the TV?
♪ Cosita ♪
♪ You're sweeter than la rosa ♪
♪ Will you be mi esposa? ♪
♪ For the rest... ♪
So who is this guy, anyway?
You'll have to ask Mother Mucca about that.
- Charlene? - Mm?
He said he wanted a new girl.
Where is Mother Mucca plannin' on finding her?
I really can't tell you. He's never asked for that before.
♪ My hands were swelling My throat was dry ♪
Why is Judy cleaning?
She's my receptionist, Charlene!
She ain't got no business dustin'.
Really, Mother Mucca, I don't mind dustin'.
Well... course you don't, dolly, but...
uh, just ain't fittin' for you to be doin' housework.
Come on.
Let's you and me talk. Mm?
Uh, we'll have a nice glass of milk in the kitchen.
Mm- hm.
♪ Go back to Jackson ♪
♪ And be my rosita ♪
[Mona] No.
He's a piece of cake.
Well, let them eat cake!
I'm the receptionist, remember?
I'll pay you extra.
No! [[scoffs]
He wants class, sweetheart.
Nobody in Winnemucca has got, uh...
your kind of class.
[scoffs] Thanks a lot!
You don't have to fuck him.
Well, what the hell?
Never mind, spare me the gory details.
Judy.
You don't think old Mother Mucca would--
Pfft!
You're like my own flesh and blood.
I wouldn't do nothin' to make you think less of yourself.
[scoffs]
[tuts] I swear it hurts me right here.
- Look here! I-- - Yeah, hurt me, child.
[tuts]
[sighs]
I'll tell you the God's honest truth.
I've been runnin' this place for 60 years.
And you're the first girl I ever felt like this for.
Well, I'd adopt you, if you'd let me.
[sighs]
Did you know I used to have a little boy?
- No. - I did.
Oh, he was the sweetest little thing you ever laid eyes on.
Used to sit right here and just...
laugh and giggle.
Me and the girls would do anythin' for that little tyke.
- I never thought-- - Please don't cry.
I never thought in a mi-- million years
that little darlin' would run off
and leave his mama when he was only 16.
I trusted him, Judy,
just like I trust you.
- There you are. - We had to wake up Mr Lee.
Take it away.
- But didn't you say-- - Take the goddamn thing away and burn it.
Wait a minute.
I better see if it fits.
[Mona sighs]
You're an angel, dolly.
And you're full of shit.
[sobbing]
[[Frannie] I'm sorry, darling,
but none of it makes any sense to me.
It's between me and Beauchamp, Mother.
I could help if you'd let me.
- I'm your mother, darling. - Just drop it.
Have you told Binky?
What the hell's that got to do with it?
- I just-- - You were just wondering
if any of those leathery old bitches at the Francisca Club
were gonna be gossiping about your precious darling daughter.
DeDe!
You think the separation's gonna be in Carson Callas's column tomorrow
and you won't be able to hold your head up high at the Cow Hollow Inn.
Well, too bad, Mother. It's too goddamn bad.
I've never heard you talk like this before, DeDe.
Oh, no, I guess not.
- Is it the pregnancy? I know sometimes-- - No.
You ought to be radiant, darling.
- When I was expecting you-- - Can we not go into this now?
Why now, darling?
- Why leave Beauchamp now? - Look.
I can't help it if I don't feel radiant.
And I can't help a goddamn thing about Beauchamp.
But I'm having these babies. I want them. Isn't that enough, Mother?
Why in the world shouldn't you want them?
DeDe?
I've got a headache, Mother.
I love you, darling. [sighs]
I think I know how Catherine Hearst must feel.
Fabulous new deck.
Oh, I found this gorgeous twink carpenter in the Mission.
Dirt cheap, of course, and pecs that won't quit.
Anyway, his name...
Jason something.
- They're all called Jason, aren't they? - Or Jonathan.
How is he with kitchens?
I wouldn't know.
- I can only speak for bedrooms, my dear. - Ooh!
- You're as big a slut as DeDe Day. - At least mine isn't Chinese.
- Chinese? - Mm.
You don't--
Oh, my God!
Binky swears it's the truth.
[chuckles] And it's going to be twins.
A litter? I can't stand it.
You can't stand it?
Miss Lord here broke all her fingernails this morning
on the princess phone, spreading the news.
- I did not. - Arch, Giddy says you phoned him too.
- Well, she lies. - Good Lord, an ornamental.
DeDe's been doing it with an ornamental.
Mm, I know!
I think you're all disgustingly prejudiced.
Oh, Mary. You're not gonna have another chinoiserie period?
Just keep it down, girls.
- DeDe's gynecologist is right behind us. - Hm?
Who cares about that stuck- up bitch? She's been acting funny for weeks.
- I think he's dreamy. - Then make your move, miss thing.
He's flying to Acapulco in the morning.
- Whatever for? - What else? A gynecologist convention.
Acapulco has gotten so tacky.
[ship's horn blares]
[Mary Ann] I talk too much, don't I?
I won the Optimist Oratory Contest in high school.
I haven't stopped talking since.
I'm afraid you've been holding up the conversation for both of us.
You know what blew me away this morning? The lifeboat drill.
When the captain said women and children don't get to go first anymore.
Things have changed, I guess.
Yeah. I wish they wouldn't.
I mean,
the song says it's the same old story, but it isn't.
Well, like, Michael and I expected...
well... well, a... a cruise like you see in the movies.
You know, daffy dowagers,
gigolos with waxed mustaches and steamer trunks with stowaways in them.
It's all gone.
And who the hell gets to be Ingrid Bergman anymore?
Now that's one I know.
[chuckles]
How old are you, Burke?
I'm 27.
It's strange.
You seem... not older, exactly.
I mean, you seem 27, but...
um... someone who was 27 a long time ago.
Out of it, in other words.
Why do you keep saying that?
I like it.
And I like you, Mary Ann.
Ingrid.
- We'll just tighten the sash. - [giggling]
[Mona] Is it all right?
Aww! Ain't that pretty?
[Mona] For Christ's sakes, Bobby, It's not supposed to be pretty.
Well, you're pretty!
- Oh... - You're gonna be the best yet, Judy.
- He's gonna love you. - He better not.
Kind of early, ain't ya?
I don't like to be rushed.
Oh. Not gonna be here for an hour.
- You'll have BO. - Lay off, Charlene.
Whoo!
Nervous, ain't ya?
[all sigh]
What does he mean, I'm feeling upset?
Uh, didn't Lionel tell you he's moving into his own apartment?
Oh, sure, I know all about it. Why should I be upset?
Well, you won't be seein' so much of him.
I'll be seeing even more of him. I'm moving in with him.
[laughter and applause]
Somethin' you can tell your grandchildren about.
- Sure. - Well, that's nice.
[laughter]
You look...
[sighs]
real fine.
Mm.
- No, I didn't understood that! - Thanks.
[sighs]
Girls are all in their rooms. They'll stay there till he's gone.
[breathing heavily]
Uh... uh... You remember what to do?
- I think so. - [tuts]
Oh, Mrs. Jefferson, this is a very important...
You'll do, kid.
...in Lionel's life, and I don't want you left out.
[man] Isn't she somethin'?
[knocking at door]
[knocking]
Come in!
- You called, sir. - Sure.
I'd like-- I mean, if you don't mind.
I'd like you...
to have this.
Very kind, sir.
Uh...
I-- I understand it's possible for you to make arrangements.
Would you--
Do you think you could--
Do you think you could bring me some...
ice cream?
Certainly, sir.
One of those late- night cravings, huh?
The worst.
[sighs]
- Um-- Oh, are you okay? - Yeah.
All right.
Sister, I have sinned.
I know, my child.
Stop pushing.
One at a time, gentlemen. One at a--
- Oh, honestly. - Give me that thing. Which building?
The one on Barbary Lane. The little house on the roof, see?
Yeah, I can see-- Oh my God!
- Look! - [laughing]
- What's he doing? - Just wait your turn, Mary.
Jesus Christ! I don't believe it.
How long has this been going on?
A week or so. He's watches a woman in that building.
- You mean he's straight? - Oh, he can't be.
Straight boys don't have bodies like that.
- Let me see. - Oh!
- Mm! - Oo- ee!
- Come on, big boy! - Bring it home, Johnny!
Oh, yeah!
- Control yourself. - Yes, Edward, control yourself.
- My God! - [all laughing]
Yes! Yes!
Go! Go! Go! Yes!
[chuckling]
Ugh.
- Knock, knock. - Yeah.
I got some Oreos.
Wanna help me eat 'em?
I don't think so.
Don't you just want a few?
[sighs]
- You don't lick the centers, do you? - No!
Me neither.
My mama wouldn't let me have 'em if I licked the centers.
Same here.
So...
[sighs] What do you think of him?
Beats me.
I think he's real handsome.
I don't wanna talk about it, okay?
Sure, sorry.
You know what?
You're my best friend.
Thanks.
Can I stay the night?
Be like a slumber party.
- Bobby, I don't think that's-- - I'm not a lesbo, Judy.
What if I am?
You?
[laughs] No way.
Anyway, how-- how can we have a slumber party
if we don't have a stack of 45s and a record player?
I know some ghost stories.
We can do our toenails.
[chuckles]
Or...
We--
We could lick the center out of Oreos.
- We need some milk. - Mm!
Aah. [chuckles]
What's my name?
- [Bobby] Judy. - Judy what?
You never said.
If I had another name and you knew about it...
- Oh, hell, most of us got fake names. - ...would you...
I don't give a hoot if your name isn't what you said.
How long have you worked here?
- Three years. - And you've known all the girls here?
All of 'em.
Do you remember one called Mona?
Not right off hand.
You know her last name?
Ramsey. Mona Ramsey.
[chuckles]
Jeez, we never call her that.
- Who? - Mother Mucca.
- Mother Mucca? - Sure.
Mona Ramsey is Mother Mucca's real name.
Where are you goin'?
[sighs]
[telephone rings]
Hello?
[sighing]
Mona?
Mona, is that you?
Where are you?
[sighs]
Winnemucca.
[sighs]
A-- Are you all right, dear?
No, I think I'm losing it.
[sighs]
Are you at the Blue Moon?
How did you know?
[sighs]
The question is, dear, how did you know?
I don't know anything. I don't even know who the hell I am.
It's my fault, my dear. I should have told you earlier.
Told me what?
I was so afraid you'd hate me for running off and leaving you.
I didn't run off. I needed space. I needed--
Not you, dear.
Me.
You ran off?
What-- What are you talking about?
We better take this from the top.
Are you alone?
Yes.
Sit down, then.
I've got a little story to tell you.
[door opens]
Damn it Judy, can't you knock?
I'm not Judy.
My name's Mona Ramsey, the same as yours.
I told you about that angel dust, dolly.
I know you can't believe it, I can hardly believe it myself.
It's like a, well...
It's like a miracle.
Some incredible cosmic force has brought us together
because we needed each other, because we--
- Dolly, if you don't mind, I-- - I promise you that's my name.
I told you it was Judy because I needed to be somebody else.
That's enough out of you, girl. Get!
Just answer me this.
What was your son's name?
- What the hell? - Listen to me.
It was Andy, wasn't it?
Your little boy's name was Andy.
Who told you that?
He told me.
Andy did.
I live with him in San Francisco and he's my father.
I'm an old lady, dolly.
A lie can hurt mighty bad.
I would never hurt you.
It don't make no sense.
It's a miracle!
I'm your granddaughter, Mother Mucca.
I've found my goddamn roots!
[laughs]
[electricity buzzing]